If you loved me, you would always want me with you. If you want to be alone, it means you don’t want me with you. But … If you always want me with you, I feel smothered.
This is one of the Love Knots written by PAIRS Founder Lori Gordon.* A Love Knot is an unspoken expectation that we create when we are young, which we silently carry into all our adult relationships as a firm belief without question. It’s only when our expectations are not met that these “land mines” blow up – we can get very upset and not really understand why. The reality of this particular Love Knot is that all of us have times when we want to be separate, and times when we want to be together. As adults no one can always want to or always be there for another. We need to be able to accept the differences in our preference for alone time, or for activities with friends, and negotiate with our partners for the changes that are important. Negotiating for our needs is a skill that doesn’t come naturally, especially when we are stressed. Whether in our PAIRS classes, or other resources, learning how to successfully negotiate to a win-win is vital to enjoying life.
“PAIRS has changed a 29-year marriage of confusion, hurt, silence and missed opportunities into a vibrant relationship of pleasure and trust.” – PAIRS graduate
*Love Knots by Lori H. Gordon is available through Amazon books