The Challenge of Connection

The Problem:

When I’m being very attentive and focusing on my partner, they pull into a shell — what do I do?

The Solution:

Often couples can get into a seeker-sought pattern, where one person takes the role of pursuing the other for attention, communication and activities together.

Typically, when that happens, the other person can react by distancing and seeming to not be interested or very enthused about whatever’s been suggested.  This can be about simple things like suggesting what to have for dinner, and include such diverse things as deciding about vacation plans or times for physical closeness. 

Take some time to think about whether this pattern is happening between you two.  Which are you most often — the seeker or the sought?  One way to change things is to recognize and talk about how it seems you’ve both fallen into one or the other way of reacting, and then making a concerted effort to “take turns” being in charge.  Alternate who initiates activities, or who decides on plans for the weekend.  Remind each other ….  it’s your turn to plan and my turn to follow along.  When doing this, remember to keep it light, and enjoy fun times together.


“I am more at peace with myself than I’ve ever been.  PAIRS has opened my awareness.” – Barbara S., NC

PAIRS workshops are offered throughout the year.

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